I’ve been participating (somewhat) in Blog Dare 2012. Today’s topic is “Something lost…“. While many things immediately ran through my mind, the one that jumped out was friendship.
When I filed for divorce, I thought my friends would be there and support me in this difficult decision. However, it seemed since I was no longer part of a “married couple”, the other married friends disappeared. Sure was usually did things as couples, but was it really too silly for me to think that they would still socialize with me? Apparently so. Soon the phone calls went un-returned, and the emails stopped. It hurt, it stung, but I knew I could move on.
I decided then to just focus on my friendships with other singles. Through going out to bars and working out at the gym, I soon started to expand my friendship pool. My lost friends were soon forgotten, and my new friends and I quickly formed bonds. There was one guy in particular that I became fast friends with. We hung out often, outside from seeing each other at the gym almost every day. Once my divorce was in motion, he was set to move in and rent the spare bedroom. Then it all came to a stop. He revealed he had gotten his own place, and would not be moving in. Why? Because he said he had feelings for me. Feelings I did not return. I enjoyed our friendship. I still wanted to be friends, just not anything more. I thought “Okay, I don’t have those feelings for you, but I would still like to be friends”. His thoughts were more “If we aren’t move, let’s not be friends at all.” Once again, a close friend was gone *POOF* just like that. Again, it hurt, but I knew I could move on.
It was a short time later that I discovered I was expecting a baby. My pregnancy was a tough road. I had decisions to make, encountered health issues, and tried to keep the most positive attitude I could. Once my beautiful son arrived, I took a look around and realized my life lacked something. I realized I didn’t have any friends who were moms (minus one, who I am still friends with today thankfully). There was a whole new aspect to my life, and it was a pretty big aspect! I needed to find other women to connect with that share that common element of motherhood. I started taking my son to “Blanket Babies” playgroups and connect with local moms online. I started to feel confident in making new “mommy” friends, while still maintaining the friendships I had formed with others years before.
Before to this blog, I had a previous personal blog focused solely on my life. I had discovered a “friend” of mine had said some pretty vile comments about me. Without naming names, I discussed this in my blog and weighed whether to confront her, and just stop communication. To my surprise, I shortly received an email from someone who I thought was a good friend. While she was not the person I had talked about in my entry, she thought it was. Turned out, she too had been gossiping, and I guess a guilty conscience got to her. She noted she had been purposely giving me the cold shoulder, and expressed her feelings to everyone, except me, that she no longer wanted to be friends. Funny thing is, she still never explained exactly why she would not want to maintain a friendship. We had known each other for 10 years, were neighbors, and eventually roommates. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding. She had even just attended a party at my home a few weeks prior to her email. Though at the end of her email she expressed that she hopes we could reach the level friendship we had before, my handful of attempts to communicate with her has been met with silence. Now that one really hurt.
So here I am, a few months later. I’ve made new friends, some are moms, and some are not. Some weekends I’m booked solid socially, and some weekends go by without hearing a peep from anyone. I’ve gotten involved more with local groups and I look forward to forming new solid friendships. Every now and then I think of all the friendships lost over the last year and half. I sometimes I run into those former friends around town, and I can admit, it can be awkward.
Friendships are still relationships, and any time there is a “break up”, it can hurt. These friendships are lost, but I look forward to the new chapter in my life of a mom, and the new friendships I will form in the years to come.
Ghada V says
gosh, sorry to read about the friends you have lost. Unfortunately as we go through different phases in our lives we lose friends for different reasons. Most of the time it is because people either don’t know how to keep in touch or they are actually jealous about your “new” life. In your case I suspect your friends might have been jealous of your new singledom freedom. Who knows, nothing excuses not making the effort to stay in touch. Thanks for sharing, hopefully it lightens your load.
I know exactly what you mean. I separated from my husband a couple years ago and people I thought were MY friends (people I know from high school) are now just talking to my husband and not bothering at all with me. It hurts. I did nothing to them.
Another thing that hurt was when my husband’s family all unfriended me on Facebook. Why? I don’t know. I guess because I was no longer with my husband. It was like they were throwing years of friendship out the window and I was like the trash to them.
Tiffany Noth says
I’ve seen that recently happen with other members of our family… you’re very right, they just throw away years of memories and friendships.
Rachel R. says
It is definitely a lot of work maintaining friendships, especially through life changes on either end. I’ve had a number of good friends move away and it’s disappointing. My number of true close friends has dwindled, but I’d rather have quality over quantity anyway. It sounds like some of these people were not true friends, so while I’m sure it hurts, at least you can cut your losses and not waste your time on people like that any more!
Tiffany Noth says
Friendships are a lot of work, and the true friendships are so worth it!
great post!! I’m stopping by from bloggy moms!
LuAnn Braley says
Wow…that’s rough. My mother went through something similar when my father passed away. Invitations etc dried up quicker than a drop of rain in Death Valley. It sucked. There were some people though whose hearts were a little more open than that and still included her (and my brother and me) in their circles. Glad to hear you are looking forward…that’s a great way to be! (Visiting from Blog Dare.)
It hurts like heck now–but years down the road you are going to come to the realization that these were not really friends but aqaintances–ones that were good while it lasted but that you are now better off without.
Phaedra Seabolt says
Stopping by from Beck Valley Books’s Lower your Alexa Ranking
Deanna E. says
Loosing friendships like that can be really hurtful. I’ve lost several friendships that I thouht were better than they actually were.
Stopping by from the Alexa Drop Hop.